I needed to decide on what cryptid to seek out first. I agonised for days, but eventually decided to keep it local. I had a long weekend coming up, so took advantage and packed the car full of cans of tuna, salmon, and crab meat. With my bait in place, I headed off to Loch Ness. Yes, you guessed it, Nessie was in for it!
Loch Ness 2011
I got to Loch Ness about midday, parking my car next to some caravans in a secluded spot. I brought my notepad, three pens (red, blue & green), my fancy new digital camera I got for Christmas, and a Dictaphone for sound recording; I wasn’t sure what sound I’d be recording, maybe Nessie groaning as I hoof it in the ribs? I thought of bringing ropes or chains to tie Nessie down, but decided that’d probably be cruel. All I wanted to do was punch the beast, and let it be on its way; no need to annoy the monster too much.
Too late, I realised that I needed a cameraman. Someone had to hold the camera whilst I laid about Nessie. So I called in on the nearest caravan and met Tom. He seemed a nice bloke, and we hit it off pretty quickly. He liked the ethos behind my quest and agreed to act as cameraman for the two days, in return for half my tuna supply.
I calculated that Loch Ness being fresh water, then Nessie wouldn’t be into tuna as much as salmon. Anyway, it was a risk I had to take in order to acquire Tom’s services, so he got the tuna, and looked well chuffed too.
I knew I’d found the right man when Tom showed me a sketch of an incident from the previous month, when Nessie stole one of his shoes. The shoe later turned up under his caravan: all slobbery. Tom felt the beast must have had some feeling of guilt about its actions. But I wasn't there to judge, I was there to YetiSmack! Note lack of fourth flipper/leg; perhaps due to fight with other monster, propeller injury or lost to another cryptid hunter. Or does Nessie just have three legs? It’s possible.
Tom's earlier Nessie incident.
DAY 1
I’d borrowed a dinghy from my neighbours, Val and Jim who enjoy boating, and we set off onto the loch. I rowed and Tom kept the camera ready. I felt alive at the thought of finally starting the hunt. It was incredible, all the hours of research in the library had been worth it; here I was on my first cryptid hunt. Operation YetiSmack was underway.
We reached the middle of the loch and I dumped a bucket of tuna mayonnaise over the side. Tom had mistaken my instructions for the bait, but I assumed that the beast wouldn’t mind mayo. Then we waited. We sat in silence and watched. As we bobbed up and down in the sunlight of that beautiful spring day, with the water rippling blue-green and the wind gently swirling around us, I had a massive panic attack.
I was in the middle of a huge loch with some guy who lives in a caravan and a load of seafood, waiting for a gigantic sea monster, which I was going to punch. It was all too much. As I sat under a blanket, Tom rowed us back to the shore. We’d had a few beers by this point, and I’m ashamed to say that I soon nodded off; only for a few moments, but it was so unprofessional! Of course, this was the point when my first cryptid chose to appear. Nessie emerged from the waters; ferocious and primal.
Tom got a few photos off before it disappeared back underwater, and then kicked me awake. Unfortunately, for some reason, the photos didn’t save; the card didn’t work or it crashed or something. I hadn’t had time to show Tom the manual. Oh well, you live and learn! Not to be deterred, Tom drew me a technical sketch of what he saw. He assured me it was completely accurate. Note the four flippers/legs: can they grow back?
Tom's sketch of DAY 1 incident.
I had missed Nessie! Still, it had been a good start for YetiSmack. I had a cameraman and had obviously picked a good spot to hunt cryptids: so we celebrated. That evening, things got a little lary. As we got into the whisky (I’d taken some to disinfect my penknife, in case I had to take tissue samples for the lab (shed)), we rambled about by the loch-side discussing cryptozoology and fighting things. Turns out, Tom’s well into all sorts of mad stuff. He nearly found Atlantis once, but got caught by the Coast Guard. We went back to the caravan, where Tom recalled some more facts about the day; information that had slipped his mind during the excitement of the initial sketch of Nessie.
Tom’s additions to original sketch.
Astonishing! It seems Nessie may have been wearing some form of head covering. I thought it unusual, as this had never been mentioned before in the source materials I’d read, but perhaps Nessie had developed casual head-wear habits; perhaps to avoid the sun, or perhaps to mimic the tourists who flock to the area in summer.
2) shows an alternative hat.
3) places the original design at a ‘jaunty’ angle.
4) proposes a snorkel Tom thinks he maybe saw.
We were interrupted at around 3am by a neighbouring caravan type, complaining about the flashing torch light and noise coming from Tom’s caravan, as well as the stink of seafood from all the empty tins. We explained the scientific nature of the vigil, and that the singing was related to the quest for Nessie (it wasn’t, we were having a Skynyrd sing-a-long). Tom was all over the place and gesticulating about Nessie eating seagulls or something. She was having none of it and started shouting, so I ran off to the woods, where I was terrified and crawling about in undergrowth for hours.
It was literally the worst part of the trip so far, but I did hear weird noises as I lay in some thistles It was like something gurgling and gagging in the distance; it was horrible. If it was Nessie, then I’m glad of the day’s panic attack. My last memory, as I rolled around in a massive nettle patch, was trying to make my Dictaphone work and hoping the tuna mayo hadn’t made Nessie sick.
DAY 2
I woke up under Tom’s caravan surrounded in vomit; though I don’t remember eating tuna mayo. As I was looking at my gaunt face in a puddle, Tom crashed out of the caravan shouting about a discovery. He’d heard some terrible noises the night before too. After the bint from along the road had left, he’d passed out, but soon woke to some ungodly yelping and groaning in the nearby trees. I was horrified to hear I may have missed yet another Nessie clue.
Map of key events; including Nessie making noises, the DAY 1 sighting area, the vomit, Tom’s caravan, and the bint emerging from hers to complain.
Day 2 was mostly a write-off. I passed out on Tom’s sofa, and he fell asleep with some beans and salmon on the go. I awoke to smoke, and him swearing. He later let me hear a recording of the ‘Nessie’ sound he’d heard the night before. He only managed to tape a brief section before ‘becoming ill’. It sounded like something rolling around in pain and branches breaking, but not much more.
We were ready to head out onto the loch again, but the police arrived to enquire about some missing gas canisters from a farm up the road, and I cleared off out the back window. Tom was arrested, and my folks called to say they needed a hand with putting a cupboard together, so I called it quits for the expedition.
I can only state that, as a first shot at cryptozoology fighting, this was a massive success. Some people go a whole lifetime without kind of hearing or maybe nearly seeing a cryptid, and I had achieved both on my virgin YetiSmack expedition. With the help of my new-found friend, Tom, I had done brilliantly!
A week later, I received an email from Tom containing a photo he’d taken of what appeared to be the legendary monster in a straw hat; perhaps in readiness for summer. Incredible. It’s an astonishing piece of evidence. Maybe I’ll go and deck Nessie in the future, but for now, she is safe to continue with her new fashion habits. I have other cryptids to hunt!
Carry on to CASE #2...
Carry on to CASE #2...
Tom’s photo 2011
